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AspieFox

Pansexual Breakdown of Relationship / Fluidity

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AspieFox

Hello,

Question: can a Pansexual, Non-Binary, Demi-sexual person change to become a Lesbian? (But without calling themselves a Lesbian, but still in practice not liking men anymore)?

Also: if such attraction fluidity is possible, then is it a risk to enter in to a relationship with a person who might then decide they prefer a different gender to you? I am tired and confused, so any help is appreciated.

Background:

I started loving someone who is also on the spectrum but has wanted to take things slowly, I thought due to worsening health issues. I knew she was Pansexual, Demisexual and non-binary. I am Demisexual and Non-binary (born male) too, and although can feel romantic/deep feelings for men, I don't feel sexually attracted to them.

We met in a support group online, the met in person and really liked each other, but live in different countries, so we had some stuff to sort out to make it more practical. Soon after, she got worse in health, from hEDS or HSD. I met her in her country and it was nice, but she was a bit more distant to me emotionally.

Some months later, with contact getting less (she being less responsive due to health I thought), I asked her if it's to do with me. She said health issues were a big part of it. She then told me that she can't see us in a relationship due to probably a mixture of things (worsening disability and geographic distance being what I thought was the main obstacles having discussed this). Recently she told me that she would never say never to it working out and that she just doesn't know how things will be in the future. 

Now she has just told me that in the past 2 years (we've known each other 1.5 years), she has become more interested in women and has been denying those feelings for some reason. Her health is worse and mine too, as I developed HSD too, so it's hard to arrange a time to talk (we live in separate European countries).

All this sounds hopeless, I know. :(

And this has happened off the back of another broken heart a couple of years back, when I started loving my friend, who I thought was Bisexual, but eventually told me that she prefers women and became a lesbian. We shared so much in common and that hurt a lot. Then a few months later I met the current person and we shared even more in common and I let myself open up to the possibility as we told each other we liked each other and wanted to see how it developed. We spent hours on phone calls and it all seemed to be going great. Now I'm just heartbroken again..

As you ALL know - it is so hard to meet a potential partner who is also autistic. I am not totally limiting myself to autistic people, but it just felt so much easier being close with those two people, and I just feel so upset as it feels like the same thing is happening again and that I will always be lonely. 9 Years alone now after an engagement (to an NT at the time) went wrong. I decided to get go for diagnosis after that and focus on people who shared interests and then found this person who is also on the spectrum too and I was so happy.

I just feel so hopeless and on top of everything, isolated due to my disability too. I guess there's no hope for this to work out. That is what my logical mind is saying.

Thanks for reading.

*Sorry if I am sounded confused in reference to sexualities or genders, as I am new to this and don't want to upset of offend anyone. I am really grateful if any Pansexuals/Bisexuals/or ANYone can offer their experiences and advice. Yes, I know this is probably over. Like many I have a HUGE difficulty with adjusting to change, so please be kind in considering how hard life changes can be, rather than..."it's over, get over it" etc. Thanks.

 

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Sofi

I think a lot of these labels are always subject to changes and quite loose. Perhaps she used those labels when she was interested in you and more open-minded about the gender she was attracted to as they were true at that time, but now she genuinely has been more attracted to females so found it easier to narrow it down to describe herself as a lesbian (Maybe that's true for a lot of people who end up saying they are a lesbian?).
I'm not really a fan of any of these labels, because they are so ever-changing. We can never tell who will be attracted to. I do find it hard to rule out a whole gender population, even if we think it's highly unlikely we will be attracted to that gender. 

I know it's really hard to meet  the right person though :(

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HalfFull

@aspiefox     

In all of this sort of thing I think that anything at all is possible. For example, a non binary person may start off thinking that if they are non binary then they are also pan sexual. They might be but they might turn out to like only males or females. In terms of sexual attraction, an asexual person could still have romantic feelings towards someone and could even be gay or lesbian, but simply have no interest in doing anything more than kissing. Therefore, I'd say its entirely possible to feel romantically attracted to males but not sexually attracted, yet both romantically and sexually attracted to females. I know that this answer does not necessarily answer your query, but I'm just making the point that anything at all is possible and people do change their preferences or at least what they think are their preferences.

As it happens, I'm compiling a book this year from different contributors on being Autistic and LGBTQ+. We just need a few more chapters and are giving people until June. 

 

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AspieFox
On 1/4/2019 at 11:58 AM, Sofi said:

...narrow it down to describe herself as a lesbian (Maybe that's true for a lot of people who end up saying they are a lesbian?).

Thanks for the insight.

She said she doesn’t consider herself a lesbian but that she is interested in girls more in general. She still uses the term Pansexual. I think that is the closest to avoiding any boxes or labels? She isn’t ruling out males with the words “in general” and identifying as pansexual still? She told me she was pansexual when we first met, so perhaps it’s just an acknowledgement that she is attracted to girls more, but she mentioned that it’s been that way for the last 2 years (we only met a year and a half ago) and that she’s been internally denying that during that time, so perhaps I am being black and white in my thinking and in fact, not much has changed from the start on this aspect? Perhaps it might be different if she had only just started feeling more about liking girls now.

The other day, I flat out asked her if she is attracted to me but I’m still waiting the reply, she just responded a little while later to tell me that she won’t be able to message much as she is stressed out about travelling and the medical appointment she has in another country, and that it’s nothing personal just that she doesn’t have a lot of energy as travelling is stressful, so I am just trying to focus on other things for now.

I relate to the preference for no boxes/label, as I feel like a male at times and female other times, but without specific gender most of the time, so just say I’m non-binary most of the time and avoid boxes and types. She’s also non-binary. It could be that it’s one of the things that could make this work, as I’m not a typical male anyway.

We share so much in common and it would be very sad if it doesn’t go anywhere. Obviously I’d have to accept that.

 

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Sofi
3 hours ago, AspieFox said:

Thanks for the insight.

She said she doesn’t consider herself a lesbian but that she is interested in girls more in general. She still uses the term Pansexual. I think that is the closest to avoiding any boxes or labels? She isn’t ruling out males with the words “in general” and identifying as pansexual still? She told me she was pansexual when we first met, so perhaps it’s just an acknowledgement that she is attracted to girls more, but she mentioned that it’s been that way for the last 2 years (we only met a year and a half ago) and that she’s been internally denying that during that time, so perhaps I am being black and white in my thinking and in fact, not much has changed from the start on this aspect? Perhaps it might be different if she had only just started feeling more about liking girls now.

The other day, I flat out asked her if she is attracted to me but I’m still waiting the reply, she just responded a little while later to tell me that she won’t be able to message much as she is stressed out about travelling and the medical appointment she has in another country, and that it’s nothing personal just that she doesn’t have a lot of energy as travelling is stressful, so I am just trying to focus on other things for now.

I relate to the preference for no boxes/label, as I feel like a male at times and female other times, but without specific gender most of the time, so just say I’m non-binary most of the time and avoid boxes and types. She’s also non-binary. It could be that it’s one of the things that could make this work, as I’m not a typical male anyway.

We share so much in common and it would be very sad if it doesn’t go anywhere. Obviously I’d have to accept that.

 

Yeah, it sounds like she is more interested in girls but still wouldn't like explicitly put herself in that box so that's why she's kind of avoiding answering you.  You should respect that because you also don't like those boxes? I know it's difficult if you like her, I'm sorry :( 
 

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AspieFox
On 1/7/2019 at 1:05 PM, Sofi said:

Yeah, it sounds like she is more interested in girls but still wouldn't like explicitly put herself in that box so that's why she's kind of avoiding answering you.  You should respect that because you also don't like those boxes? I know it's difficult if you like her, I'm sorry :( 
 

I've recently seen her answer to an anonymous person (as she has a tellonym), asking if she's queer, and she says she identifies as pansexual, but sometimes just says queer as in different. And I guess I'm queer in a way. But they asked because I think she did some artwork for pride or posted a memory on instagram about that.

Anyway, the whole thing has changed focus. She has a severe form of HSD and found out that she needs surgery. Without, her life might even be over. Literally. But she needs to raise funds as her country doesn't provide that surgery, and nor do they here in the UK if the surgeons think it's too risky, which they do. So, I've put aside any romantic feelings. She has the support of her mum and some friends, as well as online communities/followers of her account. One time she mentioned that, when ill, it's actually easier for her to interact from behind the computer screen than maintain deeper interactions/or conversations with people closer to her. I'm kind of the opposite, in that I find it easier to interact with close friends. But why this is relevant is... it's not like she is reaching out to me at all, so me not getting in touch and me giving her space is easier in terms of the situation.

I've also been very unwell and have been in hospital more often than at uni (I'm doing a part time MPhil/PhD) and hardly leave my house due to health. HSD too, and ME/CFS and other things.

I think emotionally, I'm better off letting go. Or at least letting distance happen between us. Her future is something that terrifies us both to think off, and I'm just about struggling to maintain studies, health and basic functioning myself. :( 

About boxes, yeah I definitely don't like societal boxes, and learning about sexuality and attraction and romantic attraction, seems like certain elements are flexible and fluid in a way. Not sure if I can explain it properly, but I think you know what I mean. On the other hand, in general, I quite like certainty. Well, I really like certainty. Sometimes to the point I can sometimes seek reassurance repeatedly or re-confirmation. I know it's not right to think like that. I think it might be from thinking black or white, ones and zeros, no grey area etc etc, typical autistic thing. So while I dislike boxes, sometimes I can only make sense of stuff if I catogorise and it's a total contradiction, I know! :( 

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