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Rhys

Relationships with an NT

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Rhys

Hello guys,

So Willow has mentioned to me before that people often ask her what is it like to be in a relationship with someone who is Neurotypical, and that she finds it difficult to answer or is unsure of how to answer people, so i was thinking did anyone have any questions that i could answer, just to give people the opportunity to ask an NT which maybe they've never had the chance to do. Ask away and ill answer the best i can :)

Rhys

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RiRi

Interesting topic. I've been trying to think of a question but I can't seem to come up with one. Well, I came up with one but I don't think it would be a good question because I don't think it's fair to compare partners.

I guess a question for everyone in a relationship. Did it take you a long time to fart in front of your partner? This is a serious question. If it seems like a joke, it's not. I will try to think of more but if it's too personal, don't answer. I know this topic can get really personal. I'm sorry if this was not a good question. I'm trying to see if it matters being an autie or NT when it comes to things like this or whether it's more based on personality. 

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Rhys
13 minutes ago, RiRi said:

Interesting topic. I've been trying to think of a question but I can't seem to come up with one. Well, I came up with one but I don't think it would be a good question because I don't think it's fair to compare partners.

I guess a question for everyone in a relationship. Did it take you a long time to fart in front of your partner? This is a serious question. If it seems like a joke, it's not. I will try to think of more but if it's too personal, don't answer. I know this topic can get really personal. I'm sorry if this was not a good question. I'm trying to see if it matters being an autie or NT when it comes to things like this or whether it's more based on personality. 

Hey RiRi, please ask the question you wasn't sure about, i'm intrigued now. As for the farting question, i take this immensely seriously. I'm quite funny about it in general and i'm pretty sure i still haven't done it in front of Willow (in an enclosed space that is) but i think that's just me overthinking the result in me doing it...would Willow kick off and shout at me?...most likely 🤣.

But i do have a lot of friends who are in relationships both short and long term and this does not bother either of them. So i guess my answer would be it depends on the individual, not down to whether someone is NT or if they're on the spectrum :)

Rhys  

 

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Willow
22 hours ago, RiRi said:

 Well, I came up with one but I don't think it would be a good question because I don't think it's fair to compare partners.

Oooh please ask it! :P 

21 hours ago, Rhys said:

 I'm quite funny about it in general and i'm pretty sure i still haven't done it in front of Willow (in an enclosed space that is) but i think that's just me overthinking the result in me doing it...would Willow kick off and shout at me?...most likely 🤣.

 

I've told you so many times to just fart. It'll do you harm to always keep it in!!

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RiRi

The question was what's the different between dating an NT and an aspie? Does the aspie tend to ruminate more about things/talk about something that happened? Do aspies worry more about things, etc.? I get the impression that on the whole, NT's don't misinterpret things as much as the aspie would or probably the NT wouldn't take things that happened personally? Or is it also all more based on personality? Because I know aspies can be clingy but others that are just aloof (as if they don't care). 

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Ben
24 minutes ago, RiRi said:

but others that are just aloof (as if they don't care). 

I'm honestly the worst for that. I know I'm aloof (even selfish)  but I do nothing to change it. I just think "if I get together with her, I won't be able to jump on a flight to the Far East whenever I feel like it" or "damn, I'd have to share my time with someone..."  I actually wince at the thought of sacrificing any aspect of my life for anyone 

 No one will be on board with that, aspie or otherwise. I'll be single for life most likely. 

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Rhys
47 minutes ago, RiRi said:

The question was what's the different between dating an NT and an aspie? Does the aspie tend to ruminate more about things/talk about something that happened? Do aspies worry more about things, etc.? I get the impression that on the whole, NT's don't misinterpret things as much as the aspie would or probably the NT wouldn't take things that happened personally? Or is it also all more based on personality? Because I know aspies can be clingy but others that are just aloof (as if they don't care). 

Its hard to answer that, they're no big differences in my opinion between dating an aspie. Willow has some weird habbits, for example she collects a lot of stuff...and i mean a lot, she also puts up a fight whenever i suggest throwing some stuff away to create room to atleast breathe 😂. I'm not sure if her weird little habbits are due to her being an aspie or if they're just weird traits she has. An aspie definitely dwells a lot more on things, whether they be good or bad, which can be annoying at times for obvious reasons. But personality is a huge factor in all of this, if anything its the most important factor...it can determain a lot of things. I hope this has answered at least some of what you asked :)

Rhys

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Dr-David-Banner
On Wednesday, January 09, 2019 at 10:34 PM, Rhys said:

Hello guys,

So Willow has mentioned to me before that people often ask her what is it like to be in a relationship with someone who is Neurotypical, and that she finds it difficult to answer or is unsure of how to answer people, so i was thinking did anyone have any questions that i could answer, just to give people the opportunity to ask an NT which maybe they've never had the chance to do. Ask away and ill answer the best i can :)

Rhys

For some weird reason all the women attracted to me in the past were kind of neurotic. One friend appears to have Borderline Personality Disorder. However, my hunch is neurotypical partners are a safe bet as they have more empathy and I view most of my friends as kinder than I tend to be, more so if they become aware you have a genuine problem with interaction). I tend to not use the term NTs to apply to my friends as a few of them tend to have mild neurotic personality aspects. More so panic attacks and anxiety. They're not autistic but maybe not quite neurotypical. 

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Dr-David-Banner
20 hours ago, Ben said:

I'm honestly the worst for that. I know I'm aloof (even selfish)  but I do nothing to change it. I just think "if I get together with her, I won't be able to jump on a flight to the Far East whenever I feel like it" or "damn, I'd have to share my time with someone..."  I actually wince at the thought of sacrificing any aspect of my life for anyone 

 No one will be on board with that, aspie or otherwise. I'll be single for life most likely. 

I will probably be single too mainly due to severe career restrictions. It wouldn't be fair to take on a girlfriend while I'm still in my own detatched space. I see myself a carbon copy of the character in Carnival Of Souls. It's good for music though.

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Willow

I guess we’re a little bit interesting because we’ve both dated someone on and off the Autistic Spectrum, so we do have some grounds for making comparisons. Of course, we’d both need to date a lot of people on and off the spectrum to be able to make any real observations that are definitely because of Autism, rather than just the personality of that one person we dated.

We’ve each been in two serious relationships, one with someone like ourselves (I with someone on the spectrum, Rhys with someone not) and one with each other. But here’s where it differs – the other people I have dated have all been off the spectrum, as have the other people Rhys has dated.

I have found it easier to get along with people who are, for all intents and purposes, ‘normal’, or a kinder way to put it is ‘neurotypical’ (NT). I see that, on the whole, they are more sympathetic to my quirks, and easier for me to be around without adding to my anxiety. Though that’s not to say that there aren’t things that don’t agitate my anxiety, being with an NT person, but I just find those things easier to deal with.

My longest relationship (and my first), was with someone on the spectrum – although I suspect there was more going on than just Asperger’s. This was a dark period of my life; he was the type of person who thrived off of putting someone else’s light out, making them live alone in the dark until they forgot who they used to be. It was never a good relationship, I just didn’t know any different. Therapy for the post-traumatic stress disorder showed me that it was worse than I thought it was, because it made me process everything fully and come to terms with those six years of my life. But I digress.

Since that relationship, I dated a few guys, all firmly within the neurotypical category. I was largely hindered by PTSD symptoms and ran a million miles away when anyone did anything like my ex – but, I learnt to trust my instincts, and it’s working out pretty well so far. I found that my anxiety got a lot worse whenever they did things that reminded me of him, and in turn they couldn’t deal with my anxiety, and it snowballed a little until I decided it just wasn’t going to work out. If you can’t love me at my worst…thank u, next.

I noticed that a lot of guys tried to change me – or ‘help me’ be more normal, rather than just letting me be me, and loving me for it. I don’t have problems that I need someone to fix, I’m a fixer, I’ll sort myself out. I need support, not pushing to be something they’d prefer me to be. They were quick to lose patience with my issues – issues that only seemed to be there because of them anyway. A few months was the most relationships would last before they grew tired of my shenanigans, and they realised that it just wasn’t worth the hassle, or I realised that they weren’t worth changing for…no one is!

Rhys is different, he doesn’t seem phased by my quirks, and I have a lot less anxiety related issues because he’s not always pushing me or trying to change me, or nagging at me about my problems (except about my cluttered room, fight me bitch). I actually went to school with Rhys, but never stayed in touch. Until he slid into my DM’s, post breakup with six year guy (asl?). We were good friends, and a bit on an off, then he dumped me after a few months and I went on with my life and dated a bunch of guys. But we did stay in touch, as friends (and as ‘friends’). And then poof, one day we were just like…shit’s not working out with anyone else, you wanna be all official and stuff? And official we still are.

He’s the most normal guy I’ve ever dated. He plays football and goes to the pub with his friends. Hello normal life, come at me bro. I attend football matches with him, and go to the pub afterwards, and he does weird stuff that I like to do, like go to stately homes, or camp in a field at a car show for a few days. Compromise is a wonderful thing. He supports me all the time, and he knows everything about me, so he’s always conscious of if something’s wrong and does his best to help. He’s super patient and easy going. He lets me have a life away from him, just like he has a life away from me. And it just works, without any anxiety or hassle.  

To conclude, I think that relationships largely boil down to the individual, and their personality, and their capacity to love a person no matter what. Sure, I had some nice relationships with other NT guys, but ultimately it wasn’t a good fit – though every relationship with an NT, no matter how short, was an immensely better fit than the one AS guy I dated. Take from that what you will (spoilers, he just wasn’t a nice person, AS or not).

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