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Relationships with an NT

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Willow
34 minutes ago, Asgardian said:

More people need to follow this ideal. Too much pressure out there nowadays to be in a relationship. Why? If someone is happy on their own then live and let live.

You NEED to be happy on your own before you can commit to a relationship. You can’t place your happiness in another person, because then if they leave, so does your happiness.

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Asgardian
1 minute ago, Willow said:

You NEED to be happy on your own before you can commit to a relationship. You can’t place your happiness in another person, because then if they leave, so does your happiness.

Now you are sounding like a life coach at a book signing :D 

Joking aside, I agree with you. 

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Ben
13 hours ago, Willow said:

You NEED to be happy on your own before you can commit to a relationship. You can’t place your happiness in another person, because then if they leave, so does your happiness.

There's nothing more damaging to a relationship than emotional immaturity. This fantasy of another person 'completing you' is where SO many people go wrong. 

I think this is where certain Aspies have the advantage. I for one (as sad as it sounds) have been my own best friend since learning age. I don't know what it is be 'lonely' and I tend to do things with my own best interests in mind. So in essence, I don't need 'completing'. No one really should either. 

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Dr-David-Banner

For me it is highly unlikely. It wouldn't be fair either as most women want to have a family ultimately. To be part of any functional family requires normality. It would mean passing on a whole heap of problems that may only partly be solved. Employment for one is a big issue. All the friends I have with jobs are far more adapted to practicalities than I am. One of them has facial ticks when she's stressed but somehow seems to "fit" in routine job. In fact most of my friends have stuff like panic attacks and are married with a job. Where the issue kicks in is if employment prospects are dire and, therefore, it will have a knock-on effect with any relationship. However I would never write myself off. Maybe I will find the right line of work or angle. 

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Sanctuary

I have only had a handful of intimate relationships (not that they ever got very much off the ground) and they were many years ago. They were all before I even knew about autism. It's only really been in the last few years with the rise of internet dating and ASD groups that the possibility of anyone specifically seeking out an autistic partner has become an option. I'd be open to that possibility and feel it could work but in my case I see myself as an "institutionalised single" for whom relationships are unlikely to be successful. I'm someone who is completely used to having their pwn space (literally and metaphorically) and being in someone's company for long periods is something I'd really struggle to deal with - not because I don't like people but just because I'm too used to being on my own. While a partner with ASD might also like their own space to some degree two people with ASD may not want their own space at the same time and that can lead to tension and sometimes loneliness even within a relationship. While those with autism don't have the same desire for closeness as neurotypicals most do still want it and feel unhappy if their partner seems distant.

More broadly while individuals with ASD do have some similarities with each other which can form the basis for a good relationship the characteristics are just as likely to be at odds with each other, e.g. both have deep interests but in different things so the bond doesn't develop. it's also true that there are very wide variations between individuals with autism so relationships between them may be no more likely to succeed than those between people from the same town, occupation, religion, etc. Overall I think a relationship with a supportive neurotypical partner is most likely to work but I'm sure there are some successful and happy couples who both have ASD.

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Dr-David-Banner
6 hours ago, Sanctuary said:

I have only had a handful of intimate relationships (not that they ever got very much off the ground) and they were many years ago. They were all before I even knew about autism. It's only really been in the last few years with the rise of internet dating and ASD groups that the possibility of anyone specifically seeking out an autistic partner has become an option. I'd be open to that possibility and feel it could work but in my case I see myself as an "institutionalised single" for whom relationships are unlikely to be successful. I'm someone who is completely used to having their pwn space (literally and metaphorically) and being in someone's company for long periods is something I'd really struggle to deal with - not because I don't like people but just because I'm too used to being on my own. While a partner with ASD might also like their own space to some degree two people with ASD may not want their own space at the same time and that can lead to tension and sometimes loneliness even within a relationship. While those with autism don't have the same desire for closeness as neurotypicals most do still want it and feel unhappy if their partner seems distant.

More broadly while individuals with ASD do have some similarities with each other which can form the basis for a good relationship the characteristics are just as likely to be at odds with each other, e.g. both have deep interests but in different things so the bond doesn't develop. it's also true that there are very wide variations between individuals with autism so relationships between them may be no more likely to succeed than those between people from the same town, occupation, religion, etc. Overall I think a relationship with a supportive neurotypical partner is most likely to work but I'm sure there are some successful and happy couples who both have ASD.

What you say is quite correct, I think. What I found myself is I tend to attract more women with some kind of disorder (not specifically autism). I still keep in touch with a girl in the USA who appears to have borderline personality disorder. I did have one girlfriend for a short period who was very mature but had suffered bipolar depression and may have been borderline. I had another good female friend who was rich but had a bit of a drink problem. Like you though, I definitely need lots of my own space. However the case may be, never assume there is zero possibility for you. John Lennon was very solitary and deep but when he met Yoko Ono she was very different. As in a Japanese artist who was classically trained in piano and very offbeat.

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Sanctuary
17 hours ago, Dr-David-Banner said:

However the case may be, never assume there is zero possibility for you. 

It's possible my views may change in the future but I'm not particularly troubled by my lack of intimate relationships. I was a little more interested in them in the past but I've very much come to terms with single life. I know many people would be very troubled by it (especially neurotypicals but also some with autism) but I'm quite content just as I am. On the few occasions when I did enter a relationship the initial delight quickly turned to anxiety as I worried about how to keep things going. I didn't have the social skills to sustain the relationships so they very quickly ended. The maxim "what you've never had, you never miss" is not far from the truth for me and it applies to other areas of life where I've accepted not having things many other people have (even see as essential). Therefore I've largely avoided depression although anxiety has been a constant feature of my adult life.

As regards intimate relationships I do feel it's important for someone with autism to be open about their personality and some of the challenges in their life. That does not necessarily mean using the "A" word but it does mean telling a prospective or current partner fully about yourself. The risk in relationships is that we do not try to be ourselves but pretend to be someone else whom we think our partner will find more attractive. For example someone with ASD may try to cover up their own specialised interests and pretend to be interested in their partner's preferences or they feel they must socialise when it makes them very uncomfortable. Of course there is always room for change and compromise but that is not the same as being fake or causing yourself considerable stress. If a partner knows what we are really like there is more chance the relationship will be on a firm footing and have long-term prospects.

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RiRi

I know an aspie who says they will never be in a relationship but they've also said they would never x and now maybe be in the works of doing x. If I live to old age, I will get to see if the aspie was just really rigid in thinking, they've changed their point of view or that they truly felt that way regarding relationships. 

Edited by RiRi

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Sanctuary
14 hours ago, RiRi said:

I know an aspie who says they will never be in a relationship but they've also said they would never x and now maybe be in the works of doing x. If I live to old age, I will get to see if the aspie was just really rigid in thinking, they've changed their point of view or that they truly felt that way regarding relationships. 

"Never say never" is good advice in relationships or any other activity. Who knows what the future will bring and what seems impossible or unthinkable at one time seems the best way forward or even essential or inevitable at a later point. Much better for someone to say they don't expect to do something in the future or they think it's unlikely but "never" is almost always going too far and we often see people doing things that they said would never do again.

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Harrow

I'm in a releationship with a neurotypical woman, we fight a lot and we disagree about everything, but somehow through that we're perfect I love her more then anything and I know she loves me and we're close to marriage. I know that sounds counterproductive fighting, I grew up in a an abusive home so it should be the last thing I want. But its more we're both really strong people and opininonated and we have out our careers and studies and we have to make time for each other. Also we are both from completely diffrent cultures and languages so its difficult working out how the other one wil react to certain things, because we are so diffrent.

 

But my question is she has never mentioned that I seem diffrent or I have quirks or noticed I'm diffrent at all and I have never mentioned Aspergers to her and I'm not sure if I ever want to. What is your opinions on that?

 

From a neurotypical stand point

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