Jump to content
Rhys

Relationships with an NT

Recommended Posts

Rhys
1 hour ago, Harrow said:

I'm in a releationship with a neurotypical woman, we fight a lot and we disagree about everything, but somehow through that we're perfect I love her more then anything and I know she loves me and we're close to marriage. I know that sounds counterproductive fighting, I grew up in a an abusive home so it should be the last thing I want. But its more we're both really strong people and opininonated and we have out our careers and studies and we have to make time for each other. Also we are both from completely diffrent cultures and languages so its difficult working out how the other one wil react to certain things, because we are so diffrent.

 

But my question is she has never mentioned that I seem diffrent or I have quirks or noticed I'm diffrent at all and I have never mentioned Aspergers to her and I'm not sure if I ever want to. What is your opinions on that?

 

From a neurotypical stand point

Sorry Harrow, i didnt see your reply.

Well tbh its quite difficult for me to notice that Willow suffers from Aspergers, im not sure if thats because ive become used to the way she behaves or whether it just because its not that noticable. I think time is a big factor in your decision to tell her about your aspergers or not, if you have been together quite a long time then my opionion would be to tell her, whats the worst that can happen?, but eventually it will come out one way or another :). Just do what you think is right for your relationship, its cliche, but follow your heart.

Rhys

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
AspieFox

@Rhysas you know, being on the spectrum sometimes means we (autistic people) can accidentally seem like we are not being empathetic because we might miss the bigger picture, but in actual fact, as you know, we are just as empathetic and it's just that we might not have read the non-verbal language or piece together lots of surrounding information to realise how a person might feel or think. Once they mention it, we are of course, very or even extremely empathetic.

I was undiagnosed during an 8 year long relationship with an NT, and this caused tension and drama. Does knowing about this aspect feature in your relationship? I'd imagine it creates a more harmonious atmosphere. But I find many NTs simply cannot stand us for this sometimes :(

Edited by AspieFox
Added more information.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
AspieFox
On 1/12/2019 at 11:52 PM, Willow said:

You NEED to be happy on your own before you can commit to a relationship. You can’t place your happiness in another person, because then if they leave, so does your happiness.

I agree, but it's just so hard Willow :(
I was heartbroken from meeting one Aspie, the first Autistic person I had feelings for, since I had just got diagnosed and met people more similar to me. So it was hard to find happiness after, but I then met another Autistic girl and it was even more of a good match, and we both liked each other but now I found out that she only wants to be good friends and I am heartbroken again, because I tried being just friends and it hurts so much as she's interested in others now. So have to move on and lose a friend as well as what was a potential partner who Iove. 
In other words, the current person helped me recover from the first, and now it's happened again and I know I shouldn't base my happiness on what we had, but it is just so hard and I am probably in a cycle and will probably repeat a mistake of trying to find another person to help me recover from the current heartbreak. I know it's not right and I might need to see someone for help about this. :(((

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Willow
1 hour ago, AspieFox said:

I agree, but it's just so hard Willow :(
I was heartbroken from meeting one Aspie, the first Autistic person I had feelings for, since I had just got diagnosed and met people more similar to me. So it was hard to find happiness after, but I then met another Autistic girl and it was even more of a good match, and we both liked each other but now I found out that she only wants to be good friends and I am heartbroken again, because I tried being just friends and it hurts so much as she's interested in others now. So have to move on and lose a friend as well as what was a potential partner who Iove. 
In other words, the current person helped me recover from the first, and now it's happened again and I know I shouldn't base my happiness on what we had, but it is just so hard and I am probably in a cycle and will probably repeat a mistake of trying to find another person to help me recover from the current heartbreak. I know it's not right and I might need to see someone for help about this. :(((

I understand the need to surround yourself with a person who can help you recover and help you to be happy. I did this unwittingly for a while after a break up a few years ago, and it was the worst, most difficult relationship I've ever been in, and it completely broke me. But as time went on, I learnt that trying to find a person to make me happy was just prolonging my recovery and masking any issues. So I forgot all about relationships for about a year and a half, and just worked on sorting my life out, finding out who I was again, figuring out what I enjoyed, what made me happy etc. It was hard at first but I gradually became comfortable on my own, focusing on hobbies etc., and I eventually had therapy for PTSD which helped to sort out a lot of issues for me. It's a difficult thing to do, but it enables you to be happy with who you are, and when you're happy with yourself, you can be happy with another person and not worry about placing all of your happiness in them - because you came to them already with happiness of your own.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
StarlessEclipse

A romantic relationship is just so far down my list of priorities at the moment that it's not something I ever really think about. I'm still not in a good place mentally or physically. I don't know who I am from one day to the next. I wouldn't go out with me as I currently am. Once I've sorted out my mental health issues and lifestyle, I'll be open to it, but it's not any kind of central life goal. If I find the right person, great, but I'm not desperate to be in a relationship for the sake of it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
AspieFox
12 hours ago, Willow said:

I understand the need to surround yourself with a person who can help you recover and help you to be happy. I did this unwittingly for a while after a break up a few years ago, and it was the worst, most difficult relationship I've ever been in, and it completely broke me. But as time went on, I learnt that trying to find a person to make me happy was just prolonging my recovery and masking any issues. So I forgot all about relationships for about a year and a half, and just worked on sorting my life out, finding out who I was again, figuring out what I enjoyed, what made me happy etc. It was hard at first but I gradually became comfortable on my own, focusing on hobbies etc., and I eventually had therapy for PTSD which helped to sort out a lot of issues for me. It's a difficult thing to do, but it enables you to be happy with who you are, and when you're happy with yourself, you can be happy with another person and not worry about placing all of your happiness in them - because you came to them already with happiness of your own.

You're right. Prior to these 2 people, I was rediscovering myself for a few years. I had an 8 year-long relationship with an NT when undiagnosed. I thought I was a broken person for the clashes or difficulties we faced. We weren't really suited in the end. So I focused on myself and got the AS diagnosis too, I started re-finding myself on what my interests/passions/personality. A couple of years later, I met the first girl on the spectrum and it just made me even more sure of who I am. It was hard to lose her, because it kind of re-enforced my own identity and I know that shouldn't be, but I guess we all take a little bit of the personality from our relationships and it's a matter of just keeping stock of who you are though?
But her sexual attraction changed from bisexual to lesbian and it wasn't possible to develop anything. But the experience made me think that there are others like me, who might be suited with my interests and personality type. I felt optimistic when I met the current person who was again, matching on those things.

Problem was, there wasn't much time between that previous person and this, and there were practical aspects that should've told me that things might not work out, no matter how much we liked each other at the start. Big age gap: me = 36; her = 21 although it wasn't a problem for us, or at least that's what we told each other from the start, different countries/location, and new physical disabilities that we shared in common, but are trying to deal with. For me, I could've overcome those things for sure, but I think it made her feel that there are just too many difficult factors involved.

Point is, I think going from one person to the next quite soon, made me rush into giving my heart to someone.

Plus, more relevant for this thread perhaps, after such a bad few experiences with NT partners, then  finding out I'm on the spectrum, I switched to only wanting to find someone else on the spectrum too, because of the traumas and difficulties I've had for those previous 30 or so years of my life, living undiagnosed and trying to be NT. I know there are great NTs with open minds and that personalities count a lot too? But I'm afraid of having to put the mask on with someone I love again. Rather than just letting my weirdness be accepted. Even when me and the current person might have clashed by having the same idiosyncrasies at times, it was so much more natural, and felt "at home" with her and the deep understanding of why we thought or behaved a certain way was really nice. 😞

I just feel so empty now. Sorry to hijack this thread with my issue btw! But it does help to express this as I'm kind of isolated at the moment. Thanks!

 

Edited by AspieFox

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Willow

@AspieFox with regards to relationships with NT people, and your worry that you will have to put a mask on...if you just be yourself all of the time, you're only going to attract people who will be understanding. I learnt this a while ago. Sure, if you're putting a mask on then you're going to have to keep it on. But if you never put it on then people can't suddenly react differently because you'll have consistently acted a certain way (whatever way you act as your true self). I don't make any efforts to be anything other than myself, and sure, some people can't deal with that, but I sure as hell wouldn't then try and mask who I really am to try and keep them around, because then you're just lying to them and yourself, and creating a ticking time bomb...one day the real you would come out and the other person may feel betrayed that you're not who you said you were, and their reaction, whilst harsh, would be somewhat justified. 

I don't pretend with @Rhys, I never have. I've always just been 100% myself. Even when my medication was getting sorted out and I was a TOTAL mess, but he didn't ditch me (well he did once, but I don't think that was because of who I was ahaha, another story!) and I knew that he was able to cope with me at my worst without judging me. Never try to be what someone wants you to be, or what you think they want you to be. Don't change who you are to find love, because it's not going to be genuine. Plus, when you are being true to yourself, and a relationship fails, you know there's nothing more you could have done - you were you from the start, and that's all anyone can ask.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
AspieFox

@Willow thank you so much! Your example and what you just said gives me hope.

I will continue to work on being myself for those reasons you said, which really resonated with me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
AspieFox
57 minutes ago, Willow said:

@AspieFox you're welcome! I'm glad I could help 😊

@Willow Oh I just had a thought...I didn't mean that you in particular ever wear a mask with @Rhys 😅

More that...unfortunately, I haven't met many accepting and open-minded cool NT people, like Rhys. But I know they do exist and your example reminded me of that, so I shouldn't be afraid to just be myself more.

Just to clarify. 😊

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.