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ronki23

Depression and Aspergers

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ronki23

Hello. I'm 29 years old and I have no intention of living past 30. Here is why:

I've been doing martial arts 2005-2017 and I really enjoyed kickboxing at Undergraduate University (2009-2012); I gave up drinking alcohol to be a better kickboxer. I then joined the rival club because they were really nice people (I still kept kickboxing at University). Not drinking alcohol and commuting to University for Undergraduate (as I was not ready to live on my own) made me feel left out as I never went to parties with University friends. That changed in 2011/12 when I finally passed my driving test and got to go to parties and stay out late. I used to say and do stupid things when drunk and didn't like the feeling afterwards so I quit alcohol in 2010.
I lost many times in kickboxing and judo and vowed to rematch certain people when I was ready but I got kicked out of my kickboxing club 2011 (a club I really enjoyed) for arguing with another club so did judo and wrestling 2011-12. I stopped wrestling 2012 as one of the guys I lost to in kickboxing joined the wrestling.

Then things started spiralling downwards in 2012/13; I went to a different University for my Master's (Grad school where I found a place to stay) people from the University martial arts club mocked me for different reasons: in Ju Jitsu they said karate sucks because I also tried karate and in karate they mocked me for not drinking alcohol.What's worse in Ju Jitsu they were holding the submission past tapping point- they were University clubs so they were full of 20-somethings. I then joined an MMA club run by adults and I was happy until I found people from University were interested so I quit.
I still enjoyed going to parties but whenever I went to a party as postgrad people I knew would never turn up and it was inconvenient going at 11PM at night; there was also an entry fee to the nightclubs.
My Master's degree was 50% Mainland Chinese students as well as 10% Thai, 10% Arab, 10% Nigerian and 10% Indian. A 'nice' mixture of people. I was lucky to have been to China in 2011 so I had something to talk about but then in the final month of Master's my so-called friends cut me out (we had no lectures left) and did things with one another and not me. Their excuse was they were ''busy doing assignments'' in 2013 but they were travelling and having fun with each other. On the bright side I found a wrestling club in the last 4 weeks to train at.

My friends from Undergraduate are too busy and working in London (Europeans) and my Muslim 'friends' hate Israel and think 9/11 was an inside job; they're back in their home countries. One of my 'best friends' who'se a Guinean Muslim met my Saudi Arabian friend (who never kept in contact while I was doing my Master's) the day he was back in the UK and didn't have the courtesy of telling me until he went back to Saudi Arabia. Now the Guinean is busy because he has a baby. He was always a lousy friend. I voted for the UK to leave EU as I feel my European friends don't deserve to live and work in the UK when I can't

I haven't had a paid job for almost 9 years despite having a Master's and I was doing stupid volunteer work at various companies.

I don't do martial arts anymore as people I want to fight keep changing clubs and coming to the clubs I want to train at. I passed my judo and Ju Jitsu gradings (as I don't do kickboxing anymore) in 2017 and finally did MMA until my father died at the age of 69 of gallbladder cancer (I spent the final 3 months of his life with him in the hospital).

I tried going to the gym but apparently I have to relearn squat technique (after doing it for many years) and I don't have the discipline to diet. I swim for 25-35 minutes 3 times a week.

My family exploited my phobias and made unsubtle comments about my weight when I went to my cousin's wedding in Canada last year (2018). I've never had a girlfriend and I can't get married because my phobias were exploited.

I've been to 5 different psychiatrists and am on a cocktail of medications: Prozac, Stelazine (it sucks- couldn't concentrate), Seroquel (made me sleepy and fat), Zyprexa (made me crave sugar and made me fat), Abilify (gave me nightmares). Currently i'm on Zoloft and Solian.

All I want to live for is to go to Germany, South Korea and Japan this year and India next Diwali. I've been wanting to go to Far East since 2016 but it keeps getting pushed back. My 20s have sucked; I want to die after i've been to India for Diwali and I can't do India until i've done Korea and Japan.

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Peridot

Have fun in Korea, Japan, India and Germany! Sounds like a good time.

🇮🇳🇯🇵🇩🇪🇰🇷

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ronki23
1 hour ago, Peridot said:

Have fun in Korea, Japan, India and Germany! Sounds like a good time.

🇮🇳🇯🇵🇩🇪🇰🇷

India will be after Germany and Far East.

Nothing to live for otherwise- don't know what to do after India

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Peridot
2 hours ago, ronki23 said:

India will be after Germany and Far East.

Nothing to live for otherwise- don't know what to do after India

If you don't think you have anything of value to contribute to the planet then maybe it's for the best. I don't think you'll commit suicide though. A few days ago someone actually did. He jumped off the Manhattan bridge and is now dead. He posted a suicidal video on the internet right before he killed himself. That was a genuinely suicidal man. You on the other hand say you're looking forward to a journey around the world which isn't how suicidal people sound. You may be unhappy but I don't think you're at risk of committing suicide.

Suicide is no joke. Neither is suffering but killing yourself is quite a step to take. It's kind of inappropriate to be flippant when it comes to this subject. You don't just say flippantly that you're going to kill yourself to people on the internet. How do you expect people to react? Honestly. What do you expect from us? Is it a way to get attention? If so then this is the wrong way to go about things.

I don't think there's anything anyone here can say that will either ease your pain or stop you from killing yourself, in the case you are genuinely contemplating or planning suicide. If you genuinely are suicidal then see a proper psychologist.

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ronki23
14 hours ago, Peridot said:

If you don't think you have anything of value to contribute to the planet then maybe it's for the best. I don't think you'll commit suicide though. A few days ago someone actually did. He jumped off the Manhattan bridge and is now dead. He posted a suicidal video on the internet right before he killed himself. That was a genuinely suicidal man. You on the other hand say you're looking forward to a journey around the world which isn't how suicidal people sound. You may be unhappy but I don't think you're at risk of committing suicide.

Suicide is no joke. Neither is suffering but killing yourself is quite a step to take. It's kind of inappropriate to be flippant when it comes to this subject. You don't just say flippantly that you're going to kill yourself to people on the internet. How do you expect people to react? Honestly. What do you expect from us? Is it a way to get attention? If so then this is the wrong way to go about things.

I don't think there's anything anyone here can say that will either ease your pain or stop you from killing yourself, in the case you are genuinely contemplating or planning suicide. If you genuinely are suicidal then see a proper psychologist.

 

I'm 30 in June next year- this year I aim to do Berlin, South Korea and Japan (I've been wanting to go since 2016) . Next  Diwali I'd like to do India. Nothing to live for after India because I haven't got a job, my Aspergers and phobia stop me from getting a girlfriend (hence I've stopped looking for job) ,etc.

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Peridot
46 minutes ago, ronki23 said:

 

I'm 30 in June next year- this year I aim to do Berlin, South Korea and Japan (I've been wanting to go since 2016) . Next  Diwali I'd like to do India. Nothing to live for after India because I haven't got a job, my Aspergers and phobia stop me from getting a girlfriend (hence I've stopped looking for job) ,etc.

That's preposterous. To end your entire life just because you don't have a girlfriend nor a job. These problems can be fixed with the right approach.

Why do you want "a girlfriend"? I always think "a girlfriend" sounds rather cold and detached. Wouldn't you rather have real connections, real intimacy with women (that's plural) you love?

Not having a job may be a blessing. Most companies I've experienced were filled to the brim with flat, immature, predictable, dangerous people. Why would you want to be in such a grim, uninspiring environment for five days a week? Wouldn't you rather focus on fulfilling your potential?

A phobia is a tough thing to beat, I think. But it's not impossible to overcome it. Wouldn't you rather face the problem, however hard it is and then have a worthwhile future than throw the possibility of said future away?

And Asperger's? Just embrace it, I'd say. It's just the way you are. It may have it's "downsides" but any way anyone is has its downsides. That's life. Play the hand you've been dealt.

Good luck.

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ronki23
On 28 June 2019 at 4:20 PM, Peridot said:

That's preposterous. To end your entire life just because you don't have a girlfriend nor a job. These problems can be fixed with the right approach.

Why do you want "a girlfriend"? I always think "a girlfriend" sounds rather cold and detached. Wouldn't you rather have real connections, real intimacy with women (that's plural) you love?

Not having a job may be a blessing. Most companies I've experienced were filled to the brim with flat, immature, predictable, dangerous people. Why would you want to be in such a grim, uninspiring environment for five days a week? Wouldn't you rather focus on fulfilling your potential?

A phobia is a tough thing to beat, I think. But it's not impossible to overcome it. Wouldn't you rather face the problem, however hard it is and then have a worthwhile future than throw the possibility of said future away?

And Asperger's? Just embrace it, I'd say. It's just the way you are. It may have it's "downsides" but any way anyone is has its downsides. That's life. Play the hand you've been dealt.

Good luck.

While I've always wanted to go to Germany and Japan, back in 2013 when I was at University I thought I would go with my Chinese friends to West USA and Mexico, and with my Guinean Muslim friend to Brazil and / or Mexico.

I chose Latin America because a lot of my friends from Undergraduate were Spanish speakers (a Portuguese guy, a Spanish guy, a Brazilian guy, a half Mexican guy) so often went out together to nightclubs, trips to Spain,etc. The problem was these Spanish speakers were closer to one another than they were to me and part of the fault lies in commuting to University and having to get home at a reasonable time- only when I FINALLY passed my driving test at the end of year 2 did I go out in year 3 but my Muslim Guinean friend often pulled out of going out as he had  irregular working shifts and the Equatorial Guinea friend (who also spoke Spanish) never came out unless that other Guinean guy was coming. Anyway, the Saudi Arabian never came out to nightclubs but had time for the other Muslims. I cut these people out because the Saudi came back to the UK for one day in 2013 and spent the day with the Muslim Guinean and neither had the courtesy to contact me.

As for West USA (Vegas, Grand Canyon, California) with the Chinese from postgraduate (grad school) it was because they had a lot of spending power and often went out with one another. Our last class was end of June 2013 and I went out to lunch with 3 of them (plus saw another 5) 2 on August 2013 and then from August 4 2013 they all cut me out of their lives. They claimed to be "busy doing the final assignment" but in reality they were travelling around the UK/going to Europe with one another. This tipped me over the edge and gave me depression.

I actually recovered from my depression in 2016 but then my Dad died December 2017- 7 weeks after being diagnosed with gallbladder cancer.

So in reality, the trips to Germany; Korea; Japan, and India weren't even on the menu in 2013. I want to go for 3 reasons:

1. These trips to the East are alternatives to the Americas

2. I went to India with Dad in 2015 but it was only to Maharastra- we spent most our time in Bombay and the psychiatrist there put me on Stelazine which messed up my concentration

3. My family treated me like crap in Canada, Virginia and DC last year. They exploited my phobia and made unsubtle comments about my weight/ didn't let me eat what I wanted

 

 

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Peridot

Fix the UK. The UK isn't an isolated county which can vanish without that having any negative effects on its surrounding countries. If the UK succumbs, Holland, France, Germany, Spain etc. will suffer due to this.

We're all in this together...

Do something about this dreadful state the UK is in. Don't be a mouse. Be a man.

 

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ronki23

Another thing that really frustrates me as a British Indian is that in Britain and Canada the Indians/Pakistanis/Bangladeshis stick with one another and don't intermingle with others or the other extreme- not accepting your culture AT ALL (not as much as the former). Segregation really bugs me, so does self hatred.

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