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Ben

Change (A Rant - NOT a motivational speech)

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Ben

I just don't get it. Really, I can NOT understand why some people are so uncomfortable with change - I mean, sure, as a child, I saw it as the rug being pulled from underneath me, but as an adult, I see change as an eternal well of choices, ideas, creativity and freedom. Change is the evolution of ones character, and an opportunity to adopt a new way of life. It's not the enemy nor should it be feared (this isn't an AS thing by any means - this is society.)

To me, routine is oppressive, depressive and dull - very very dull. People will often complain about how unhappy they are, yet they fail to register in their minds that they have kept to the same routine for over a decade and haven't ever really done anything different. The job that they dread, the wife that they can't stand, the area that they hate living in, and life style choices that are killing them (says the guy holding a 18% can of beer in his avatar) are all areas that they allow to creep along the garden path, overgrow, and bury anything along the path that they once enjoyed. Yet, never at any point do they think of ripping up the lawn and reseeding it - and I just don't understand it. How can they be afraid when they're already imprisoned by their own choices? 

I've reached a stage in life now where my amorous love for abstract art, travel, and my determination to 'make it' with one of these manuscripts has boiled over to the point where I can't deny them any longer. Very soon, I'm going to leave the comfort and the safety of the farm - and all of the financial security it brings, to make it on my own, without a boss and without much help. In short, I'm choosing freedom, authenticity and most importantly CHANGE. Maybe I'll be broke? Maybe I'll be a millionaire? Either way, I just don't care. I've been unhappy and oppressed by my routine, and now I'm fighting back. 

I won't be bullied by anything. Not money, not comfort. The only thing I want is authenticity and honesty. If one or both of those are missing, then I'm out of there. 

Edited by Ben

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Dr-David-Banner
10 hours ago, Ben said:

I just don't get it. Really, I can NOT understand why some people are so uncomfortable with change - I mean, sure, as a child, I saw it as the rug being pulled from underneath me, but as an adult, I see change as an eternal well of choices, ideas, creativity and freedom. Change is the evolution of ones character, and an opportunity to adopt a new way of life. It's not the enemy nor should it be feared (this isn't an AS thing by any means - this is society.)

To me, routine is oppressive, depressive and dull - very very dull. People will often complain about how unhappy they are, yet they fail to register in their minds that they have kept to the same routine for over a decade and haven't ever really done anything different. The job that they dread, the wife that they can't stand, the area that they hate living in, and life style choices that are killing them (says the guy holding a 18% can of beer in his avatar) are all areas that they allow to creep along the garden path, overgrow, and bury anything along the path that they once enjoyed. Yet, never at any point do they think of ripping up the lawn and reseeding it - and I just don't understand it. How can they be afraid when they're already imprisoned by their own choices? 

I've reached a stage in life now where my amorous love for abstract art, travel, and my determination to 'make it' with one of these manuscripts has boiled over to the point where I can't deny them any longer. Very soon, I'm going to leave the comfort and the safety of the farm - and all of the financial security it brings, to make it on my own, without a boss and without much help. In short, I'm choosing freedom, authenticity and most importantly CHANGE. Maybe I'll be broke? Maybe I'll be a millionaire? Either way, I just don't care. I've been unhappy and oppressed by my routine, and now I'm fighting back. 

I won't be bullied by anything. Not money, not comfort. The only thing I want is authenticity and honesty. If one or both of those are missing, then I'm out of there. 

Sounds like you may like the movie Pleasantville. A fan of 1950s soap opera is literally transported into his favourite soap called Pleasantville. He sees the fifties as nostalgic so is delighted to be right in the middle of a fifties family with his ultra modern sister. All of them are in black and white and society is rigid. Everyone does the same thing and follows their role. Nobody swears in.Pleasantville but the teens say, "Gee whiz!". The men.always hang their hat on the hat-stand and say, "Honey I'm home!" and the the school basketball team never lose. There is a place in Pleasantville called Lovers Lane where young couples go as far as "holding hands". Anyway, the sister rebells. She starts to teach her classmates to chew gum and say "cool". Worse, she goes down on the school team captain Skip in Lovers Lane in their car. People start turning from black and white to colour but this horrifies the Pleasantville residents. People turn nasty and then the rigid side of Pleasantville is exposed. They pass laws to oppose change. 

Edited by Dr-David-Banner

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HalfFull

I certainly do like to have control over my environment but at the same time like variety. In fact, sometimes I thrive off unpredictability and ensure the idea of taking something as it comes. In a way its planned chaos, except that the chaotic part is the part I can't predict at all, but I can predict that I'll be doing something unexpected.

The one thing that I love to do every once in a blue moon and hope to repeat later this year is visiting London alone and purposefully have no set plan to where I'm going to go to. Generally I walk along side different street until I get fed up of it or get intriqued by a certain street. One time I reached a random street and looked at its name, wow, it was called Great Ormond Street. Its famous for having a childrens hospital. Another time, I kept randomly changing the tube, landed up on Kings Road, randomly decided to look round to take in this famous street and there was someone dressed like a 1960s teddy boy running in my direction, another time landed up on Brick Lane and then in what turned out to be a French quarter where the street names started with 'rue'. But, with that said, I do to some extent have routines although not really at fixed times. I certainly have a bit of routine to allow rest which I need a lot of, especially when in employment as I am currently.

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Alice

@Ben I would urge caution..

I set out for a similar thing 5-6 years ago and it did not go well, I only ended up traumatised and demoralised. I'm sure you are not as idealistically naive as I was - you can still have your ideals but be in touch with reality (which I wasnt really).

Taking responsibility for your own sense of safety and security is a mark of maturity, make sure that you know your limits and what you can do and can actually achieve. Sure you are an unlimited soul, and authenticity is always important in everything you do, but just be aware of your own limitations as a human being in this life, and take care of yourself - you are the only one who will, when it comes down to it. I do think a grounded sense of safety is important for people on the spectrum with challenges with sensory and social things - to conventionally 'make it' in the world, you need to be able to navigate it well.

I also think its awful people stay in a soul sucking jobs or lives. Ive come to accept people do this for survival and might compromise most of their dreams for having one - having a home and family instead of travel, or being a 'starving artist' - or vice versa, and do what they can to at least have part of their souls needs met - I think the only response to that is compassion. These people tend to turn to drinking or some kind of addiction/numbing just to not feel the pain having to do that and just get by as best they can, they carry traumas and their own burdens, like anyone not completely enlightened.

I used to feel frustrated with these people also, so I get it, but I more just feel heart broken for it. Its more tragic and more complicated than being unwilling to change - its the whole structures of the world (like capatalism, meritocracy and ableism, and the lack of value on human life) and where we are as human beings especially our self awareness of our own wounds when it comes to parenting because so much of the same traumatic baggage keeps getting past down generation to generation just in slightly different form. The way we treat the earth - and every creature on it like "The giving tree" (its a childrens book, hopefully you get the reference).

Anyway, I do genuinely hope things go better for you than they did for me. I still believe in change, of course. Is it not possible to stay where you are and still pursue your dreams - if it is manuscripts, cant this be done online with submissions? If your able to pursue travel, thats awesome, but cant you plan for it budget-wise? and have some money put aside if you dont get a job again straight away, or return to the farm once you are done?

Edited by Alice

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Ben
15 hours ago, Alice said:

@Ben I would urge caution..

I set out for a similar thing 5-6 years ago and it did not go well, I only ended up traumatised and demoralised. I'm sure you are not as idealistically naive as I was - you can still have your ideals but be in touch with reality (which I wasnt really).

Taking responsibility for your own sense of safety and security is a mark of maturity, make sure that you know your limits and what you can do and can actually achieve. Sure you are an unlimited soul, and authenticity is always important in everything you do, but just be aware of your own limitations as a human being in this life, and take care of yourself - you are the only one who will, when it comes down to it. I do think a grounded sense of safety is important for people on the spectrum with challenges with sensory and social things - to conventionally 'make it' in the world, you need to be able to navigate it well.

I also think its awful people stay in a soul sucking jobs or lives. Ive come to accept people do this for survival and might compromise most of their dreams for having one - having a home and family instead of travel, or being a 'starving artist' - or vice versa, and do what they can to at least have part of their souls needs met - I think the only response to that is compassion. These people tend to turn to drinking or some kind of addiction/numbing just to not feel the pain having to do that and just get by as best they can, they carry traumas and their own burdens, like anyone not completely enlightened.

I used to feel frustrated with these people also, so I get it, but I more just feel heart broken for it. Its more tragic and more complicated than being unwilling to change - its the whole structures of the world (like capatalism, meritocracy and ableism, and the lack of value on human life) and where we are as human beings especially our self awareness of our own wounds when it comes to parenting because so much of the same traumatic baggage keeps getting past down generation to generation just in slightly different form. The way we treat the earth - and every creature on it like "The giving tree" (its a childrens book, hopefully you get the reference).

Anyway, I do genuinely hope things go better for you than they did for me. I still believe in change, of course. Is it not possible to stay where you are and still pursue your dreams - if it is manuscripts, cant this be done online with submissions? If your able to pursue travel, thats awesome, but cant you plan for it budget-wise? and have some money put aside if you dont get a job again straight away, or return to the farm once you are done?

Don't worry - I'm not shooting all of this from the hip. I've got a good amount of money plugged away and three possible places to live. I also have good connections in the craft beer world, live very close to London, and have milked millions of cows - like, literally, MILLIONS of them. Worst comes to it end up on a farm again (the boss has even said that there's always a job for me with him), but not without exploring other options first. Ideally, I'd be a beer rep or work in a brewery crafting some new styles of beer.

The isolation (I live alone in the middle of nowhere), the long hours and the sleep deprivation have all taken their toll one me over the years. When I started out, I was an introvert and didn't like uncertainty - but now, I'm a very well travelled 29 year old who thrives on uncertainty and impossible challenges, and I can safely say now that I very much like people. In short, a LOT changed between the ages of 24 and 29 - the poles shifted, I saw the world , and I became an entirely different person - and when something like that happens, you've just got to embrace the change and associate yourself with people who are going to take you higher. You can't stay where you are at.

Being on the spectrum means nothing to me these days. I've already done all of the things that a person on the spectrum SHOULDN'T do. If anything, it's become an enormous asset to me, and I honestly wouldn't do without it. 

My writing, etc, is all determined on whether or not I'm giving the people what they want. Art is for me - that's just for pleasure (well, it's not art so much as it's just expression, I'm  not looking for praise or criticism), but the writing is definitely determined by everyone else. In a way, it's also for me, but if 'the people' like it, then even better. To be honest, I'm happy with a niche audience  - which I already know I have - but I won't lie, it would be cool to make a bit of pocket money from it (the reality is, most "Top Sellers" fetch peanuts, but that's not the point. That's never the point. Everything should be a pursuit of pleasure).

 I think I'm just in a place now where I want to explore ALL options. If the Taxman behaves himself, then I may look at giving myself multiple sources of income. Bar job here, cigar rep job there, etc. I'm perfectly qualified. 

For what it's worth, I don't think it was a mistake to do what you did. Nothing ever happens by accident in this world - and given the time again, you'd probably do it again. 

Edited by Ben

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Ben
On 9/16/2019 at 10:58 PM, HalfFull said:

I certainly do like to have control over my environment but at the same time like variety. In fact, sometimes I thrive off unpredictability and ensure the idea of taking something as it comes. In a way its planned chaos, except that the chaotic part is the part I can't predict at all, but I can predict that I'll be doing something unexpected.

The one thing that I love to do every once in a blue moon and hope to repeat later this year is visiting London alone and purposefully have no set plan to where I'm going to go to. Generally I walk along side different street until I get fed up of it or get intriqued by a certain street. One time I reached a random street and looked at its name, wow, it was called Great Ormond Street. Its famous for having a childrens hospital. Another time, I kept randomly changing the tube, landed up on Kings Road, randomly decided to look round to take in this famous street and there was someone dressed like a 1960s teddy boy running in my direction, another time landed up on Brick Lane and then in what turned out to be a French quarter where the street names started with 'rue'. But, with that said, I do to some extent have routines although not really at fixed times. I certainly have a bit of routine to allow rest which I need a lot of, especially when in employment as I am currently.

Make London a monthly thing - it's a city that improves the more you visit it. (The same can't be said for New York - go once, maybe twice, but after the forth or fifth time you'll definitely see a darker side. City of dreams? Er, not quite. I see a lot of broken dreams though...) 

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RiRi

@Ben It's not a surprise that you want to stop the cycle that you've been doing for years. I think that the majority of people do this at some point, autistic or not, including myself. And I think this is constant, maybe a few years from now or however much time it takes you, you might want to try something else and fight for it.

I think maybe you just got bored of what you're currently doing or had it in your mind to do something like that through the years you were at the farm. You saved money for it. You couldn't do it if you had no money. And you're preparing even if you're subconsciously doing (your boss told you there will always be a spot for you), saving money. You have things that are pushing you away. Maybe along the way of your journey you'll realize that you want to stay doing something for a while and stay doing that and then you change your mind or you don't. Humans are interesting beings, some people stay as they are always, others fight it and try different things even if they have limitations, like myself. 

7 hours ago, Ben said:

(The same can't be said for New York - go once, maybe twice, but after the forth or fifth time you'll definitely see a darker side. City of dreams? Er, not quite. I see a lot of broken dreams though...) 

New York is definitely a non-wonder. It only took one time to realize that it was dirty, nothing like I thought it was in the movies. I was disappointed.  Even people from there think it's filthy. I'm not sure why this is if they have the Wall Street where a lot of money comes from. Why not spend a little cleaning the streets, washing them? Some cities just don't improve appearance wise. It's like having your house dirty and letting the trash, dirt, dust, accumulate through the years. If it's not cleaned regularly it will get worse, even if no one is there.

7 hours ago, Ben said:

City of dreams? Er, not quite.

😂

To be honest, I think a lot of people hype things up or brag. Come to think of it, it might be an emperor's new clothes type of thing. Where one person says it's wonderful and then more people think the same and people might see otherwise but because everyone is doing the same thing, they join in. Like, I've been to places where people are like WTF?? I went to blah blah blah, it was awesome. I get there, I'm like WTF?? I don't get what's so great about this place.

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RiRi

I don't like change for an autistic person might be, "I don't like to try new things or it might be, "Change stresses me out." I have both.

For the I'm not excited to try new things, I've noticed that usually, initially, I don't want to do things that are not part of my usual schedule. I'm hesitant but then later on, I think it over and I'm like, "Yeah, why not, or what if this..." Usually something positive that makes me feel good about myself. At the moment, that I'm in a better place, I am working on this, open to new things that will help me. Just going with things even if they cause me anxiety, doing things with anxiety.

But when I was in a really bad place (mostly when the "change stresses me out" type of change came left, right, all directions, I was in a bad place because I had change that was expected but took a toll on me, something that I currently just am unable to change. See, some things for autistic people, no matter how much you try will just stress us. We can't just "change" how we're currently wired, for me, since the day I was born. I knew that a lot of changes were coming to my life but when I was there, it was too much at the same time. Don't get me wrong, I didn't just shut down, I kept trying before it was just too much.

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