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RiRi

What's it like to be beautiful?

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RiRi

What's it like to be beautiful? Do a lot of people like you? Compliment you, etc? Do people trust you more? Does it boost your self esteem? 

By beautiful I mean, the common beautiful in that country. Sometimes there are multiple kinds, sometimes it's not. I feel the best kind of beautiful is having a good personality and be good looking as well. Although sometimes looks alone does the job.

I think it would be great to feel what a beautiful person feels like. Like in person to have people complimenting you, not just bad looking people, being treated nicely instead of not being trusted, being ignored, or treated badly. 

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Peridot

One thing I heard (and I think it's true) is that there are many beautiful people who's insecurity level is directly proportional to their beauty. So the more beautiful, the more insecure.

There's one girl in my local supermarket who is very pretty. She must be amongst the most beautiful women in my hometown and I think she's had a breast enhancement. Totally unneccesary but apparently she didn't feel pretty enough...

But then other people don't seem to be insecure like e.g. Kate Beckinsale. It's like she's hot and she knows it. lmao Nothing wrong with that.

Edited by Peridot

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Ben

Ugly or Beautiful, it's more often than not the same thing. I mean, some would consider me handsome, but I don't take it as a compliment. In some cases it actually irritates me. 

It's my soul that I want people to recognise. 

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Alice

@RiRi I dont know personally, but I honestly dont think it would be as great as you think it would be

I wrote this answer in Quora in response to the Question "How do I accept that i'm not pretty?" if you're interested:

Unconditional human value. Everyone has it regardless of their constellation of qualities.
Also, attractiveness is like a commodity or a currency, which, in regards to physical attractiveness by a purely idealised standard, people received for free. Those who are highly attractive are sought out for this alone, which has nothing to do with them as a person. People want to get next to that attractiveness, get something from it, be associated with it. They also want to praise it, praise you for something you didnt do - what a sure way to distort a healthy sense of self? Would you be seen for who you are? Would you be able to accept your faults if they are always glossed over, and people assume you are perfect?

If you are highly attractive, you run the risk of that superficiality seeping into you. Thinking you are more special, more deserving, more capable (because things seem to come easier to you, and people assume the best of you - this is a cognitive bias even babies commit). You probably run a greater risk of developing narcissistic traits or even the full blown personality disorder if the other precursors are there.

Maybe some of this is exaggerated, and there are some people who are both very attractive and genuinely humble and balanced (not just an act of humility as part of their persona as is far more common). Either way, having a body, and interacting with the world through this interface which doesnt accurately represent who we are on the inside (the good, the bad, the distorted, the hidden), will always pose challenges, whichever way you are blessed - or not.

If I had to pick, I would rather be ugly, but beautiful on the inside - genuinely a beautiful soul, and my face would be a filter to all the superficial people of the world, so I only meet or keep in my life the very best of people who can look beyond the limitations of my body


Also, I think as a female we get a hint at both sides perhaps? I'm naturally smack in the middle, appearance wise, but when I put on makeup to leave the house, people treat me a bit differently: smile more, hold doors, give certain looks at you, are less awful/rude - and assume better of you somehow etc.. but if I dont wear makeup - but still otherwise am dressed fine/the same, it doesnt occur - the reverse does. Neither are particularly ideal. I would rather be invisible actually, if that were an option. But I think for beautiful people, it must be this in the extreme and its really disingenuous, it must be awful

 

Edited by Alice

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Alice

@RiRi I'm not saying im right, its just another way to look at it. I can be a bit too idealistic for practical reality, I cant even live up to all my ideals all the time. Autistic people are socially disempowered so I can understand wanting to increase that in some way.

Flowers give joy and pleasure to those that look at them, just by being beautiful. But I do think you wouldnt want to grow up relying on that - and have your personality form around that. If you dont naturally give people joy - you have to work for it - it forces you to either build character/be descent (or a people pleaser), hard working or find something else to give joy/value by/ or be socially needed (not that I ever figured that one out, I just make people uncomfortable). Though plenty of unattractive people are jerks and vise versa. But - I think thats why we like ugly -> beautiful transformations, because the persons personality has already formed - theyre generally already a really intelligent, interesting, humble or kind person - and then that gets added to them and they just enjoy it as a bonus. - And they actually get to choose it, rather than a genetic lottery.

Unlike a flower, a human is allowed to be shy about it, or not like attention, hate it, or use it for their gain, let it go to their head or just simply appreciate it - depends on the type of attention it brings - the type of beauty, and type of responses. 

Megan Fox gave a really good interview I randomly watched the other day and she talks about her experience in a very self-aware and intelligent way about her experience as the "sexy girl"
The main parts are at 6.25 and 11.40, but the whole thing is pretty interesting, as it shows aspects of her relationship to herself as she is looking at her own old interviews

 

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RiRi

@Alice Given that you have a master's in psychology, I can say that what you're saying has validity. I have come to the same conclusion as you. I wondered if people would treat me better if I looked good: was dressed well, skinny (but healthy looking), wearing makeup, having my hair done in a certain manner, in a manner that looks like I'm clean. I had come to that conclusion but the difference is that I haven't been able to put it to test like you. Your experience, as I suspected, proves that my conclusion was right. I hope I can soon put it to test, like, in a year because I have a lot of weight to lose. If I do that and people treat me nicely, it would mean that it's not race the factor, but rather looks and that society expects us to wear makeup.

I know that youth only lasts so long that's why I want to do it. I don't want it to feel superior than other people, I want it just to feel appreciated or liked and in turn, allowed to be nice and interact with other. Even if it's only for a year, etc. because I don't have much time left of youth. I haven't seen Megan Fox recently, but I knew about her a while ago, when she used to be very egotistical, felt superior, like she was owed respect just for being beautiful, or that she could be an asshole to people just because she was pretty. But, she was fired from one of her jobs for being that way. 

I'm working on not letting people treat me bad affect me and that's the ultimate goal to no affect me. I personally don't have any friends and if I did it'd probably be people on the spectrum or people who are abnormal some way or another, like me.

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RiRi

@Alice I just saw the video, I haven't been following up with her, but maybe you have. To be honest, a while ago I saw a picture of her and was like WTF what happened to this girl? She looked a lot different from before, her beauty had disappeared and I thought it was either through surgery, her having babies, or most likely her age. But now I'm just figuring she's 33 and I'm like she's still young, what the hell happened to her? She looks so much older. I feel like she put botox but regretted it. I'm glad she stopped now because she looks okay. I think she's still kind of superficial if she did that. Although she does seem a bit more intelligent. I think her husband has helped her. He showed her that she's supposed to act polite in order to get jobs, etc. He got one of the most beautiful woman, but I think his goal was to make her not just a pretty face. I couldn't follow up with celebrities in the past so I didn't know that she said nearly destroyed her career. No wonder after Jennifer's Body I barely I didn't see her again. I never hated her I was actually like wow this girl is so pretty (even though in her roles, she was mean). I also don't know what happened to her boobs I think she had a surgery removal. I wonder if her husband had anything to do with that. I don't know much of her husband but it is "proven" that couples become more like each other over time so maybe it was her decision. Maybe she wanted to stop being the sexy girl. I don't know but she could have still been sexy and intelligent. 

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Alice

@RiRi Its valid to want to "just to feel appreciated or liked and in turn, allowed to be nice and interact with other." but you shouldnt have to change your body to do that - there are whole movements fighting this idea: the way society is that we have to be beautiful, thin white or neurotypical to be treated respectfully and like a human being (body positivity, neurodiversity movements and those fighting ableism/disability discrimination, feminism etc..).

With Megan Fox, I dont keep up with her - I dont really remember seeing anything from her since the first transformers - but this style of interview I find interesting, and it popped up on my feed. I do think that if she wanted botox, its her right and its no less 'superficial' than wanting to loose weight to look better (no offense meant, but they are the same thing). Her body is none of my business - I was interested in what she had to say as a person 🙂
I have no idea what its like to be continuously judged, photographed and have all sorts of expectations on your appearance when its continually in front of people - and a lot of people are really malicious, esp on the net. I could understand that pressure affecting someone - to either get botox, or not be feeling like being 'nice and polite', maybe some people on set were awful to her - I dont know the movie incident you are talking about, but regardless - we have no idea how she was treated that created that response from her. Even then, people are allowed to have character flaws, to have bad days, or make choices, or be in the process of growth, without being hated. I'm glad I dont have to have all my bad choices aired in front of the world - they would be much worse!

I used to be very overweight. I think weight loss can be very difficult for people on the spectrum - or was for me, with sensory stuff, not feeling hunger or fullness, excess stress and using food or drink to stim when around others or overwhelmed.If its something you want to do, then wonderful - I hope you succeed and I genuinely wish you the best 🌸 but I will say - though people/strangers may smile more, attempt to flirt, be polite, chat etc.. when you conform a bit more to socially accepted appearance/'beauty" standards - at the start, but as soon as I open my mouth, or dont make the required response, correct facial expression, the attitude changes completely, and people become hostile, rude etc.. unless im having a good masking success moment lol so for me its also an autism thing (and I am not as disadvantaged as you are in regards to belonging to the dominant skin tone). My point is - its society that is the problem. 

Its great you are "working on not letting people treat me bad affect me and that's the ultimate goal to no affect me" - its hard, but this is something I agree with: being true to yourself no matter the response. Buddha said something about: If you always care about what people think, you become a slave to them" - a slave to whatever they want from you. People are still going to dislike you if you are thin - I certainly dont have friends. I mean look at how Greta Thurnberg is being treated in the media, and she is doing amazing things. But because she doesnt come across "normal" esp in facial expression, she gets hate, and people assume all sorts of things about her based on something about her body face expression that she cant or has-difficulty controlling.  https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/#search/greta/FMfcgxwDrbsbHCfDHfcpqVtVnzFnbQSL

I'm actually pretty strong minded about body positivity: which is just the movement that says that: all bodies deserve to respectfully regardless of what they look like. Its just about trying to re-educate society to treat all people with human dignity - which includes everyday encounters in our lives, and the things you are wanting.

Although you probably wont be interested, theres a great book "The Beauty Myth" which I listened to which changed my whole perspective, I even shaved my head bald (after having years of lovely long hair) to help me to stop caring about what people think of me - its was painful, people even yelled at me driving by, or laughed etc.. but I really dont care anymore, if people want to be that superficial, I dont want them in my life. I look how I want for me, just like I decorate my home how I want, for me. There are women on Instagram celebrating the bodies - large, coloured, disabled etc.. (like https://www.instagram.com/bodyposipanda/ or https://www.instagram.com/tessholliday/) which werent around when I was bigger. You dont actually have to change your body to be happy and accept yourself - or course you still can, but some people cant: it comes down to genes, gut bacteria, hormones and a whole lot of other things. Oh and there was this BRILLIANT short TV series called Naked Beach - if you are in the UK it would be easy to watch it on BBC iPlayer (I highly recommend it - its only 3 episodes, even just out of interest, its so good). So even if you still want to loose weight, better to also work on your mind and attitude to yourself - because like you say, youth doesnt last long, but you are with you for your whole life, so it might as well be a happy, self-approving relationship as much as possible which will make you much happier all the time rather than just when other people are descent to you (which is still so important and valid) but yeah..

Sorry for the long one (special interests..) 

Edited by Alice

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RiRi

@Alice I agree that society is the problem but I think it will take hundreds of years for it to happen or if even happens. For example, airplanes are not even designed for average sized people, you have to be like super skinny to comfortable fit into one of those planes. Same thing with the security check points. I think I would probably feel better if I lost weight, not only for this but because I feel like my body breaking because of the weight. I want to test it out if I can finally lose weight if I'll feel less achy and less like I'm having nerves fractured. Also, people in the medical field have suggested I should lose weight because of the pains I'm feeling.

Greta does seem very intelligent but I'm afraid you are right about she not being able to control how she looks to the public. She's like never smiling and the way she gives speeches seems like she's angry and like she's always reading. She should memorize her speeches to the letter. Or maybe she's just doing that as a tactic so she doesn't make too much eye contact. She could also fix her facial expressions by looking at herself in the mirror. I was so excited when I read an article about her doing good things for climate change but kind of sad to see her facial expression when expressing herself. People know she's autistic and I feel like people, once again, are getting the wrong picture of autistic people. Not all of us look like that when giving a speech.

Thank you for the shows/movie suggestions. Maybe I'll remember to come back to them as I have done with other suggestions that people have given me. Eventually I get to see their suggestions.

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RiRi

I forgot to say that if I lose weight and still have the pain I have on a daily basis, I'll be able to prove that no, as a matter of fact is not my weight but rather some trauma in my body. I don't have fibromyalgia I've researched and it doesn't seems like I have the points of pain to have it. Edit: Maybe I could just have arthritis or maybe it's something else but I hope to get it figured out because it's sad to live with this pain when I'm only 27 and I've lived with it for years now. I mean if I had it at at least 50 I would be like okay, but at 23 or so? Although I used to have back pain here and there, in the same area of my back, even before I was 18 (back when I was really skinny).

Edited by RiRi

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