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zzax27

Empathy, Or The Lack Of It

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Toran

I can definitely relate to not feeling the same way as others in awful circumstances. I felt the loss when my dad died but it was different to the rest of my family. I felt bad that i didn't appear to be the same it sounds terrible but i tried to deal with it in a logical way which was crazy. But i see now that its how my brain functions but at the time i thought i was a very bad person if im going to be honest. I remember the family walking away and i couldn't move from the door and remember looking through the window at my dad. I saw them walking up the corridor and i felt separate from them at that moment and alone. I dealt with it different that's all but it took me years to understand this and was the cause of years of depression. I think if i didn't have my faith then i would have gone crazy due to how i felt but it was a steadying belief for me and i got through it.

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Xmas

I can definitely relate to not feeling the same way as others in awful circumstances. I felt the loss when my dad died but it was different to the rest of my family. I felt bad that i didn't appear to be the same it sounds terrible but i tried to deal with it in a logical way which was crazy. But i see now that its how my brain functions but at the time i thought i was a very bad person if im going to be honest. I remember the family walking away and i couldn't move from the door and remember looking through the window at my dad. I saw them walking up the corridor and i felt separate from them at that moment and alone. I dealt with it different that's all but it took me years to understand this and was the cause of years of depression. I think if i didn't have my faith then i would have gone crazy due to how i felt but it was a steadying belief for me and i got through it.

I can understand this Toran, I was devastated when my father passed away but I did not shed a tear, neither at the hospital nor at the funeral. I did have a little cry alone at home though.

 

But that has been followed by several years of guilt and regret, the reason being that when he was alive I was unable to express much warmth towards him, it was not because I did not feel it, it was because I simply could not express it and I would have been uncomfortable if I had. I do now try and spend more time with my mother, as if trying to make up for lost time. We are close but I don't think she really understands why I am the way I am. But I don't mind as long as we are close.

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zzax27

Yes, I understand, I've always tried to deal with things on my own rather than seek help and comfort from other people. I now undertand that it's not that I don't care, it's just that I have a different way of dealing with it and expressing it.

 

 

I can definitely relate to not feeling the same way as others in awful circumstances. I felt the loss when my dad died but it was different to the rest of my family. I felt bad that i didn't appear to be the same it sounds terrible but i tried to deal with it in a logical way which was crazy. But i see now that its how my brain functions but at the time i thought i was a very bad person if im going to be honest. I remember the family walking away and i couldn't move from the door and remember looking through the window at my dad. I saw them walking up the corridor and i felt separate from them at that moment and alone. I dealt with it different that's all but it took me years to understand this and was the cause of years of depression. I think if i didn't have my faith then i would have gone crazy due to how i felt but it was a steadying belief for me and i got through it.

 

 

I can understand this Toran, I was devastated when my father passed away but I did not shed a tear, neither at the hospital nor at the funeral. I did have a little cry alone at home though.

 

But that has been followed by several years of guilt and regret, the reason being that when he was alive I was unable to express much warmth towards him, it was not because I did not feel it, it was because I simply could not express it and I would have been uncomfortable if I had. I do now try and spend more time with my mother, as if trying to make up for lost time. We are close but I don't think she really understands why I am the way I am. But I don't mind as long as we are close.

 

I can totally relate to what you guys have been through. and i'm sorry for your loss btw, Xmas and Toran.. :(

 

There have been so many situations for me as well in life when I've been required to emotionally respond like the people around me and couldnt..

 

but i was diagnosed quite recently and used to get quite a beating when i wasnt like the other kids as a child so resorted to faking emotions(which felt more wrong and disrespectful than being myself)... now that i'm on my own, i've returned to my stoic self, not that that's any improvement lol but tears(my own or others') have never been a comfortable situation or me. especially when a girl cries around me.... it's just so much worse cause women are supposed to be have a more motherly, caring vibe and console the chick as opposed to men in general and I'd be standing there nervously rubbing up my own arms or neck and muttering words like "it's going to be....", "you know, the sooner you start moving on from this....", "these things happen..." or "hey, people are different.. " 

 

I donno what to say!!!!!  :wacko:

 

I understand the person's not in his/her right mind, no matter what comes outta my mouth.. it aint gonna register.. so i mutter half- sentences.. and since im not a big fan of physical contact.. hugging or awkwardly patting on the back seem like equally ridiculous notions.. haha :ph34r:

 

but hey, people really are just different. if we were all the same, human beings would just be a mundane bunch, eh? :huh:   :P

Edited by zzax27

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Nesf

I can totally relate to what you guys have been through. and i'm sorry for your loss btw, Xmas and Toran.. :(

 

There have been so many situations for me as well in life when I've been required to emotionally respond like the people around me and couldnt..

 

but i was diagnosed quite recently and used to get quite a beating when i wasnt like the other kids as a child so resorted to faking emotions(which felt more wrong and disrespectful than being myself)... now that i'm on my own, i've returned to my stoic self, not that that's any improvement lol but tears(my own or others') have never been a comfortable situation or me. especially when a girl cries around me.... it's just so much worse cause women are supposed to be have a more motherly, caring vibe and console the chick as opposed to men in general and I'd be standing there nervously rubbing up my own arms or neck and muttering words like "it's going to be....", "you know, the sooner you start moving on from this....", "these things happen..." or "hey, people are different.. " 

 

I donno what to say!!!!!  :wacko:

 

I understand the person's not in his/her right mind, no matter what comes outta my mouth.. it aint gonna register.. so i mutter half- sentences.. and since im not a big fan of physical contact.. hugging or awkwardly patting on the back seem like equally ridiculous notions.. haha :ph34r:

 

but hey, people really are just different. if we were all the same, human beings would just be a mundane bunch, eh? :huh:   :P

I'm hopeless in that knid of situation because I never know what to say to people. It makes me feel anxious and I want to withdraw and get away from the situation. Hugging feels like an unnatural thing to do, ad I can't so it. The worst thing is when people are expecting me to go and comfort people, I can't do it and feel totally useless, and the whole thing makes me very anxious. I tend to expect others to deal with their problems on their own because that's what I would do.

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Ben

I've always been one to sit down with a person, and spout off armchair philosophy. 

 

For someone in his twenties, I can really be like a grumpy arthritic old man at times. But I'd rather use tough love, and toughen them up, whilst providing clarity on the situation. I'll be truthful, blunt and straight to the point, I won't be sugar coating it. If it's something you need to hear, and you don't want to hear it; tough! You're going to hear it anyway. 

 

Hugs are just for a moment, but the right words delivered at the right time will last forever, and will be so pleasing to hear for the recipient. 

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zzax27

I'll be truthful, blunt and straight to the point, I won't be sugar coating it. If it's something you need to hear, and you don't want to hear it; tough! You're going to hear it anyway. 

 

Easy for you to say, it's not frowned upon when men give the 'tough love' advice. 

 

My guy friend just stared at me in shock :o  for a whole minute when i asked him to "nut up" seeing him sobbing over his ex!  :P

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Ben

'Nut up' Hahaha!! I love that. 

 

"She left me! I loved her!" 

 

"Nut up!"

 

"But I'm so..."

 

"Don't make me say it again boy!"

 

It's true though. I have a similar attitude. I would have said much the same thing. It's probably what he needed to hear too. 

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zzax27

'Nut up' Hahaha!! I love that. 

 

"She left me! I loved her!" 

 

"Nut up!"

 

"But I'm so..."

 

"Don't make me say it again boy!"

 

It's true though. I have a similar attitude. I would have said much the same thing. It's probably what he needed to hear too. 

hehehe for sure! i had to give him the same advice atleast 20 different times in 20 different ways for it to sink in though  <_< lol

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Ben

hehehe for sure! i had to give him the same advice atleast 20 different times in 20 different ways for it to sink in though  <_< lol

 

What irritates me is when they cry for months on end, and then as soon as their strong again, they go off with someone else straight away; thus repeating the process over and over. 

 

I just leave everyone to it now. The amount of weddings I've been too. Almost as many divorces I've had to witness. 

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Toran

I can understand this Toran, I was devastated when my father passed away but I did not shed a tear, neither at the hospital nor at the funeral. I did have a little cry alone at home though.

 

But that has been followed by several years of guilt and regret, the reason being that when he was alive I was unable to express much warmth towards him, it was not because I did not feel it, it was because I simply could not express it and I would have been uncomfortable if I had. I do now try and spend more time with my mother, as if trying to make up for lost time. We are close but I don't think she really understands why I am the way I am. But I don't mind as long as we are close.

I can understand this Toran, I was devastated when my father passed away but I did not shed a tear, neither at the hospital nor at the funeral. I did have a little cry alone at home though.

 

But that has been followed by several years of guilt and regret, the reason being that when he was alive I was unable to express much warmth towards him, it was not because I did not feel it, it was because I simply could not express it and I would have been uncomfortable if I had. I do now try and spend more time with my mother, as if trying to make up for lost time. We are close but I don't think she really understands why I am the way I am. But I don't mind as long as we are close.

That's the same as my situation now i try extra hard maybe too hard to look after my mum even though i don't understand what's going on all of the time. It is like trying to make up for things, i feel i done some bad things or could have done better for him its like ice grown up a bit or learnt i don't know but its different now than before. Ive been given messages from my dad at church that was about two years ago and i didn't speak to anyone about my dad not even my partner or mum. They said so much it had to be him nobody knew anything about him or knew him when he was alive. The medium said one thing a secret we shared so i know its true and that was the time i could start to move on. Ok ive a long way to go but i am talking now and discussing it with my councillor so its a start.

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