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Angela78

Hi, i'm Mum to a 15 yr old Aspie

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Angela78

Hi all, glad I found this website!

Can anyone give me and my Partner (not my Son's Dad, but as good as) some advice on meltdowns, as he's starting to get a lot more violent with them now and has the strength of ten men when he's having one! Finding it really difficult, as once he's calmed down, he acts like nothing major has happened....Very hard when he's been physical with us! It's getting to the stage where my Partner is thinking it might be better to not be with me, because he is beginning to feel like he might have to get physical with my Son at some point in order to stop him from hurting us and himself...Not something he wants to do, but is worried it might come to that at some point in the future!....When things are running smoothly, we all get on so well and my Son has such a great relationship with my Partner and they adore each other....It's like having a different child when my Son has a meltdown and I don't know what to do to help the situation! Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Many Thanks

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Annaflower

Hi Angela 78.

I too am a mum. My daughter is 13 and has meltdowns and then acts as though nothing happened too! I find myself holding on to the emotions and frustration long after she's over it and it's really hard to brush myself off and move past it.

I have found that it is absolutely hopeless to try and reason with my daughter when she is in meltdown. We only get somewhere when she is calm and in the right frame of mind to listen. We have worked on anger management and ways that she can calm herself down. It's worth keeping track of what triggers your son and what has worked in the past to calm him. My daughter will punch pillows etc when she is feeling violent. Maybe a punch bag would be good?

We had some sessions with a therapist who taught me to acknowledge her feelings and not tell her not to feel them. After all feelings are totally uncontrolable, it's the behaviour that needs adjusting and the reaction to the feeling theat needs to change. I will say to her something along the lines of "I can see that you are very angry and that's understandable. I want to help you feel better. Lets try one of your calm down methods and we can sort out the problem." Now this is not a magical solution but it has a much better reaction that saying "You shouldn't be so angry" or "Stop being so angry" which is what I used to say!!

I hope some of this is helpful. I also think it may be worth seeing if you can get some professional help to support you as a family.

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Willow

Welcome to Asperclick!

 

I'm sorry to hear you're having these difficulties :(

 

Annaflower - you're advice about saying 

 

"I can see that you are very angry and that's understandable. I want to help you feel better. Lets try one of your calm down methods and we can sort out the problem."

 

is very good - I can see how this would be more effective.

I used to have meltdowns and there wasn't a whole lot anybody could do to calm me down to be honest. I trashed my room a couple of times. I always thought it would be nice to have a room where it was soft and there were cushions and things in there - so that when I was angry or upset I could just go in there and let loose! I know it's not practical sometimes because of the space. But being able to actually throw and hit things sometimes helps - if a meltdown is unavoidable. But you do need to start to think about what is triggering it and try to understand why he might be getting angry. It might be something really small which could be fixed easily - sometimes it was for me.

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Annaflower

You're right about trying to isolate the triggers and the things that build up to make it worse. I have just this week made the connection between my daughter B being hungry and her mood swings! If she starts to get grumpy and irrational I now know to try giving her a snack. It seems to help a lot.

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Willow
You're right about trying to isolate the triggers and the things that build up to make it worse. I have just this week made the connection between my daughter B being hungry and her mood swings! If she starts to get grumpy and irrational I now know to try giving her a snack. It seems to help a lot.

My fiancé can get grumpy when he's hungry too - the kind of food he eats also affects his mood - quite dramatically sometimes. 

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Toran

Theres not a lot of advice I can give as I have no children on the autism spectrum but I can understand how traumatic it must be to experience this with the ones you love. It seems those that have said about finding the triggers seem to have the best idea. Id just like to wish you all the best and that you find the guidence you need. If I do hear of anything will be sure to let you know.

Toran

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mary

Hello! :)  I'm not going to be much help as I've not experienced any of this from a parents' perspective but you'll find plenty of useful info on here and everyone's really friendly and willing to help. :)

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Whoknows
Hi all, glad I found this website!

Can anyone give me and my Partner (not my Son's Dad, but as good as) some advice on meltdowns, as he's starting to get a lot more violent with them now and has the strength of ten men when he's having one! Finding it really difficult, as once he's calmed down, he acts like nothing major has happened....Very hard when he's been physical with us! It's getting to the stage where my Partner is thinking it might be better to not be with me, because he is beginning to feel like he might have to get physical with my Son at some point in order to stop him from hurting us and himself...Not something he wants to do, but is worried it might come to that at some point in the future!....When things are running smoothly, we all get on so well and my Son has such a great relationship with my Partner and they adore each other....It's like having a different child when my Son has a meltdown and I don't know what to do to help the situation! Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Many Thanks

Let him vent his rage, outside. Make him spend that energy in something else. He may be needing care and love, but he probably needs to talk, at least after that. That may help in increasing his tolerance although it will always be a danger, so he must be aware of it. Have you considered moving anywhere?

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